Once More, With Feeling
by n1ght3lf
Summary: Moyashimon fanfic. After a year, Kei returns to school. What does she find once she gets there? WARNING: Unrequited shonen-ai.


The problem with men, Kei thought as she fixed her makeup, is that they have no clue as to the trouble women go through to get ready in the morning. A man just needs to shave every morning, use deodorant, shower or bathe enough to not smell, and throw on whatever clothes he feels like. A woman, though... so far, she'd counted no less than twenty-five steps, ranging from face scrubs to shaving to exfoliating her feet, and she hadn't even finished yet. She finished applying the lipstick, checked once more for any flaws, then smiled nervously.

It was easier just being a loligoth, to be honest. Loligoths have two colors - black and white - and use them to maximum effect. That... while it wasn't totally in her past, it would not be appreciated on this day. As a relatively normal Yuuki Kei was expected, she'd toned down the look some; brown eye shadow and red lipstick replaced the black-on-white, giving her a look that was suspiciously like Hasegawa's, except with longer hair.

She wouldn't be emulating Hasegawa's clothing style today, though. For once, her outfit wouldn't require much thought; for the first day, the charcoal-gray skirt suit she'd bought for formal occasions was best. Shoes were a trickier affair; she remembered the mud of last year's ceremony and brought out her sturdiest pair of black boots, while storing some flats in her bag for later. All things considered, the touches, if gauche anywhere else, would be appreciated.

After a painful couple of minutes getting dressed, Kei walked over to the mirror, and gave a shy smile.

A young woman smiled back from the looking glass.

And that scared her, as much as it exhilarated her.

***

It was odd that, here, of all places, she would feel alone.

The day had gone well for Kei so far. She had gotten attention - attention that had been misdirected in just the right way. People were staring at her boots, of all things. Upperclassmen caught the sight and smiled, no doubt in memory of their first day; freshmen looked at her quizzically, wondering what was going on and what was about to happen. She was just happy that she wouldn't ruin a good pair of shoes.

Still, the chaos and bustle had felt strangely pleasant to her. Her world had changed - quite radically - and the world didn't change in response. Most looked at her for her footwear; her own sensibilities would follow such footwear up to look at shapely legs and a shapely body (shaped due to a waist cincher and padding, but they didn't need to know that). But they didn't notice her face in the wrong way, and that was a good thing.

But... during the opening ceremonies, she got a lesson in just how alone she was. Much of it was the same; she grimaced at the mud on her boots, made some sort of effort to listen to the speech, and basically let her mind wander. She'd sat through a very similar ceremony last year, except that then she'd worn sneakers, and she'd had her best friend beside her. Having Sawaki with her - with him - had been one of the few bright points in a dark life, and he'd relished every moment.

But it wasn't enough. It was never enough. The darkness was always there, the wrongness that ate away at him, forcing him to keep the world at arm's length. He needed help; he would have run away regardless, but Itsuki-sensei knew somehow what he needed, once he told the old professor of his intentions.

He didn't just need to be a woman, to learn to be a woman. He needed to learn how to interact with people as a woman, and what it meant to truly live as one. As a bartender, he learned how women talked, how they moved, how they dressed and why. He learned what worked and what didn't, from an understanding group of people. He started off as a caricature of womanhood that fall - but she ended as a woman by the spring.

She'd walked her path - but her friend had taken a different road. Time had moved on, and he had progressed down his own path of discovery. They'd talked some since separating on their paths; while she had explored the mysteries of her calling, so had he. He had rediscovered the joy of the microbes he called friends, and wasn't running away from his gift anymore.

A stray thought crossed her mind, and she chuckled. She'd have to refer to Sawaki as 'sempai' from now on.

Unfortunately, that was another symbol of their separation. He was now starting his second year, just as she was restarting her first. They would be sharing time in Itsuki's lab - but they would never share a class again.

Like the opening ceremony, she would be walking much of her path alone.

She traced a line in the mud with her boots, and sighed. The darkness in her life had lifted, but the dawn was still cold and uncertain.

***

It was the smell that first welcomed Kei back.

She knew the scent, that cloyingly sweet, fruity scent, touched with a hint of chestnuts, better than she knew her mother's cooking, better than she knew her mother's scent. It wasn't quite what she knew - never was, and should never be - but it was close enough to home for it not to matter.

This was the smell of sake - good sake, ginjo-shu at the very least. She'd heard about the experiments the group was doing with sake brewing - one reason why she was continuing her work with Itsuki-sensei - but it was another thing entirely to smell it. She let her nose guide her to the brewing room, and walked inside.

The room itself brought a smile to her face. The tools may have been smaller, but they could have been taken straight from home - millers, steamers, starter tubs, mash tubs, presses, filters, refrigerators... she knew these tools as well as she knew herself. These were the tools of her life, of her inheritance.

At least, she supposed it would still be her inheritance. She had told her parents a few weeks ago during the break; the reaction had been... mixed. Like everyone else, they weren't sure what to make of her, but they didn't reject her outright. She let a manicured hand run along the side of one of the mash tubs, feeling the cold steel, a reverent gesture to the reactions taking place inside.

"I thought you would come down here first."

Kei turned around. "Sawaki..."

Something she'd learned a long time ago is that a transgendered person sees with different eyes from different lives. The man she'd been saw the scrawny friend she'd protected as a little brother, the years they'd spent playing together growing up, and some of the misadventures they'd had while he learned to be a man and she perfected her mask. The woman she'd become called up all the moments when Sawaki had shown her his heart, the fears and dreams that men almost never let women see; she saw his boyish looks that naturally drew maternal instincts to the fore, and those dark, shining eyes that could peer into things she only took by faith.

All of these images settled into something in between; it took her a second to recover her voice. "... How are you doing?"

She loved the soft smile on his face. It was the bright gaze of discovery, the chaotic dance with the microbes only he could see. "I'm doing well. Exams were tough, but it's something everyone has to get through. I've been working a lot with Hasegawa, trying to get up to speed on converting what I see of microbes into what she understands about them." He frowned, and tilted his head slightly. "Um... have you been taking makeup lessons from her?"

She blushed. "Not directly, no; I wanted a look that was a little more neutral, so..." She swallowed. "Is something wrong with it?"

"No, no!" Sawaki raised his hands in denial. "It's just different, is all."

Kei raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, a lot different." He looked her over. "You do look nice, by the way."

Unconsciously, Kei's hands grasped each other, a feminine gesture of celebration and relief. "Thanks." She looked around at the lab. "Interesting setup you have here."

Sawaki grimaced. "I tried to remember as much as I could from your family's place; we had to adapt some things to the space we had, but we tried." He lowered his head slightly. "Is something wrong?"

Kei chuckled; she realized he was as self-conscious of this as she was of her appearance. "No, it's a good setup. Father once explained why they'd set up the room like this; it was to make the work easier and to minimize any legwork needed." She took a deep breath. "But... the true test is in the smell. This room... it smells nice, Sawaki. It smells a lot like home."

Sawaki looked startled for a moment. "Kei, is your family..."

Kei shook her head. "I don't know, Sawaki. They haven't disowned me... but they haven't welcomed me with open arms, either. I think they're still trying to figure out what to make of me."

Sawaki raised an eyebrow. "Are you thinking of taking over the family business once you're done here?"

"Are you?" she replied.

Sawaki scrunched up his face in thought. "... maybe. I think it would be something good to go into. But I might find something more interesting here."

Kei took a moment to ponder more interesting responses to that statement, then smiled. "As if the first year hasn't been interesting enough."

Sawaki chuckled. "It has at that." He gestured back to the door. "Come on. We've got a party waiting."

An impulse caught Kei's throat before she could stop it. "Sawaki!"

He turned to face her. "Huh?"

"I... I'll be up in a minute. I just want to check out a couple of things first."

He nodded, understanding and yet not. "Okay. But don't take too long, okay?"

Kei watched him as she walked away, cursing her own cowardice. One day, she'd tell him. One day, she'd get him alone in the balcony outside the lab, or at the bar, or maybe back home while visiting family. The kiss she gave him at the sake shop should have been hint enough, but she knew enough about men - and Sawaki - that they could be clueless to hints at times. Sighing, she bowed her head, and said the words she had meant to say.

"Sawaki... I love you."


End file.
